Conflict on the page is so very different from conflict in real life. We need believable conflict between what our characters want and what they must do to achieve it. Yet, I struggle to throw the obstacles, the challenges, the crises at my characters. Mind you, I know why – I don’t like conflict in real life. Sure, I understand its important for the story arc and plot.
Mentally, anyway.
Emotionally, that’s another ball of tinsel.
Bestselling author Albert Zuckerman said, in Writing the Blockbuster Novel (Writer’s Digest Books, 1994), “Conflict of any kind, from the most trivial to the most serious, between characters who have close ties by blood and/or intense relationships through friendship, marriage or love, magnifies what’s at stake for the parties on both sides.”
Recently, I experienced conflict (read that as “argument”) with a family member (who I’ll refer to only as FM) who had taken issue with my husband. Apparently, this FM did not like my husband and had not for oh, 20+ years. FM only tolerated him, and told me several things which I strongly disagreed with about how I treat family (apparently FM didn’t think I really do put family first), and that there was still hope for me so they had “not given up on” me yet.
By the time I managed to hang up, I was livid.
I won’t bore you with all the details of the ongoing wealth of zingers this FM has ready in their arsenal of insults and the judgmental behavior that has been aimed my way from time to time during the course of my life. Suffice it to say, this happens periodically between us – usually in my direction since I avoid conflict whenever possible – and I just have wait for my hurt and anger to subside enough to ignore it.
Until the next time, of course.
Thankfully, I managed to avoid having to see FM this holiday season since they live in a different state and our plans to visit had changed anyway. Whew! That was a close call.
What occurred to me as I read Zuckerman’s words, though, is that this can be the perfect time of year to mine our current or former relationships with family and friends, lovers or husbands, for those emotional conflicts that only loving family and caring friends can offer.
You know the truth of that old saying: you can choose your friends, but not your family.
Because we can’t walk away from relatives as easily as we can walk away from friends and acquaintances, the root of the familial conflict is much tougher to dig out of the soil. Past hurts burrow deep into the soil and lie dormant, like a daffodil bulb, under the surface until the conditions are right for it to poke its bright little head out – only to cause more trouble.
So this holiday season, as a gift to myself, I’ll make some notes about how I felt as FM analyzed and dissected my life from afar, through smoky glasses I might add. Those feelings and reactions can probably serve me well as I begin writing my next story, and the next.
Relationships are inherently prone to conflict when two or more people do not agree, do not communicate effectively, do not understand, or misinterpret what the others are doing or saying. Sounds like real life, doesn’t it?
Don’t we all have times when we think we understand what is going on, only to discover that there was more to the story than we had been told? Or witnessed others in the midst of a quarrel or feud and realizing in the sum or their lives this is but a minor event? Have you drawn on moments like that to incite the conflict in your writing?
Wishing you a peaceful and loving holiday season (with just a sprinkle of conflict to inspire your writing) and a very Happy New Year!
Betty Bolté
Love is never lost; it haunts the heart…
www.bettybolte.com
Hi, Betty! I think looking at how an event made you feel can be so valuable, especially if you write it down while the feelings are still fresh.
I, too, avoid conflict like the plague, and when I’m trying to get into my character’s skin, I’m not always sure if the emotions and reactions I make up are genuine.
I’m going to try to keep better notes of my own conflicts from now on. Good luck with your writing and the FM! Happy Holidays!
Thanks, Gwen! I have to write things down, or they’ll slip right on out of my head when it comes time to use the emotions. Happy holidays to you, too!
Ah…I have that problem. Since I don’t like conflict and am perfectly content living with my head buried in the sand, I’m never sure the conflict I write rings true. Glad to know I’m not the only one!